A blog to track weight loss progress, rants and inspirations.
ED TRIGGER WARNING
It is now three hours after you called me “fat,” stranger.
I, innocently leaving my friend’s birthday celebration, had hailed a cab to which you felt eagerly entitled when it reached your corner. You insisted the cab take your “buddies” home too since I, a lone female passenger, still allowed space for them. I didn’t deserve to have been picked up in your mind, and to occupy the space (one seat’s worth) in the cab. I sat in silence as my driver politely refused you, then your entitlement reached its peak. You addressed me, the silent occupant of “your” space: “You’re fat AND you have red hair”
Your beauty standards were projected on me without my warranting it in the slightest. While the latter half of your statement should have made me discount you entirely—plenty of people (your male species included) like my red hair—all I could hear was “fat.”
"Fat." The word that has chased me my entire life and has only vanished when I’ve been tremendously unkind to myself. "Fat." The word that has inspired me to stick my finger down my throat to rid my body of the food I didn’t "deserve" because I was, as you said, "fat." The word that made me decide that a fourth of a cup of vegetable soup and a tiny teaspoon of cottage cheese was sufficient to live on. "Fat," the single most harmful reminder you could lob at me.
Your reaction says several things:
1. My body’s size makes me inferior.
2. My gender makes it okay for my body size and appearance in general to be brought into question when deciding who “deserves” to be somewhere.
3. I am not human because I struggle with my weight.
THIS is why I do not like going out. People like you, stranger, are a trigger to harmful emotions and habits.
And as much as the world tells me you’re wrong and that all bodies are beautiful and that no human should have to apologize for existing, all I hear is an echoing chorus of “fat, fat, fat…”